Because everyone ‘has’ a memoir, we all have a stake in how such stories are told. For we do not, after all, simply have experience; we are entrusted with it. We must do something—make something—with it. A story, we sense, is the only possible habitation for the burden of our witnessing.
—Patricia Hampl, I Could Tell You Stories: Sojourns in the Land of Memory

Suffering is an inherent part of being human. The capacity to be resilient during times of suffering depends upon the meaning we make of where we are and what is happening in our worlds. Simply saying to ourselves, “This is my situation right now,” and asking, “What meaning can I make of this? How can I deal with this?” can reduce our feelings of suffering and allow transformation to begin. Writing about our lives and experiences can also be a way to cope with these times of suffering, whether times of transition, loss or grief, that we all experience at one time or another. Writing down the details of these losses, traumas, illnesses and deaths, along with writing about our feelings related to these events, can transform our stories and create meaning and order from the chaos. As our stories become transformed, so do we. There’s promising research by James Pennebaker, Department of Psychology Chair at the University of Texas in Austin, that suggests while writing about traumatic experiences may cause us to feel worse immediately following the writing, the process can lead to long-term improvements in health and emotional functioning.

Therapeutic writing can occur in many shapes and forms. Some people prefer writing prose, while others prefer writing poetry. If the idea of writing prose without limits or poetry without structure makes you feel uncomfortable, then you may want to begin with more structured writing activities. If you’re already feeling overwhelmed by a loss, engaging in writing activities that are structured and contained may actually bring some comfort and predictability to your day. If it feels too scary to write about difficult events, start with writing about a pleasant experience or memory. Write about your favorite place, or write about a place that soothes your spirit and nurtures your soul. If you choose to write about challenging events or feelings, trust yourself and your current level of tolerance. Start with writing for only five or 10 minutes and notice how you feel. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, stop writing or write about something else. Writing our stories requires listening deeply to ourselves and trusting what we hear. If writing about a particular topic or event feels too overwhelming or results in self-destructive thoughts or behavior, you may need the support of a licensed mental health professional to assist you.

We encounter these difficult times at different stages and ages in our life, and writing activities can be tweaked for those stages. Children may respond to sentence completions such as “Today I feel…” or “I wish…” Some adolescents may also respond to sentence completions, while others may prefer to write an unsent letter or to write more freely in a journal without adhering to a structured format. Older adults may benefit from writing captured moments about specific memories they would like to preserve or writing an unsent letter. (See the sidebar on page 15 for a list of suggested writing activities.) If a person of any age is unable to talk about or write about their grief and/or experiences significant changes in behavior, it’s a good idea to consult with a mental health professional.

Not all writing that is done for therapeutic purposes becomes shaped into literature or published in traditional literary venues, but all creative writing, when pursued freely and passionately, has the potential to be healing. When we write about our lives, we’re providing ourselves the potential to decrease feelings of social isolation, shame and fear that have kept us silent. If we reach at least one other person through our writing, we may decrease their sense of aloneness, too. Thus, writing about our lives not only results in our own healing, it also has the potential to create social change. I like to imagine a world in which we each take responsibility for telling our own stories in the interest of healing ourselves and others. Perhaps we could heal this planet one story at a time.

Writing Activities
Captured Moments: Write for five to 10 minutes about specific memories you would like to preserve.
Unsent Letter: Write a letter, getting out all the things you want to say or wish you would have said to someone, but don’t send it.
Lists: Make lists of ways to take care of yourself, ways to comfort yourself, lists of your feelings, lists of ideas or lists of goals.
Alpha Poem: Write an alpha, or acrostic, poem for an event or feeling. Write out the event or feeling in a vertical line and then create the lines of your poem to begin with each letter. For example, using the feeling sorrow:

Sorrow’s song, like
Osiris, I am
Reaching toward dismembered pieces,
Renewal
Of self, coming forth by day, a
Way of spiritual awakening.

After you’ve written, take a moment to reflect about how you’re feeling or what you’ve become aware of as a result of the activity. Create balance when writing about painful experiences by also writing about positive ones.

Jennifer Johnson, MS, MFA, LPC, is a writer, writing teacher and psychotherapist in Asheville. She facilitates writing workshops, and she offers psychotherapy for people dealing with grief, loss, transition, illness and trauma. Visit www.jenniferjohnsoncreative.com, or call 828-252-5116.

From Sorrow to Celebration With Storytelling
Like writing, telling a story can also help you move through loss, explains funeral celebrant Katie Birchenough.

Many of us will need to handle the final service arrangements for a loved one when death comes. If we consider who has died and what befits that person as well as those remaining, making final arrangements can take on a new dimension and be an integral part of our healing process rather than only a dreadful task to get through.

For many people, a traditional funeral service officiated by clergy serves their needs. For others, choices are available that can bring a different sense of relevance to the final service. Some of today’s end-of-life options include green burial, a gathering at the crematorium or graveside, an end-of-life service facilitated by a funeral celebrant, home death and burial, an outdoor memorial with family and friends, or an anniversary-of-death commemoration. Whatever the final service, inclusion of personal elements into a ceremony brings relevance to those attending and, in death, can celebrate the life of a loved one.

Ritual and storytelling are key aspects that can help families or celebrants create personal end-of-life ceremonies when a loved one has died. Gathering family members for a storytelling session at a designated time to reminisce can generate a powerful, yet simple, experience. After all, the telling of stories is a primal human activity. This very act of telling, listening, being heard, and agreeing or disagreeing with expressed sentiments is transformative for our psyches, and, as such, it can make the difference in how a rite of passage, in this case death, is experienced.

Remembering and sharing in conjunction with the reality of death produces authenticity from which people express deep feelings. I hear over and over again that a safe, confidential space to speak these feelings is essential, and that by inviting expression of feelings, the story-sharing time allows the grief process to begin. Of course, a person has the choice not to participate in story sharing, but although some may be reticent at first, the overwhelming desire to express oneself and share memories of loved ones—whether a story of an aunt’s incredible ability to prepare a gourmet feast for 20 people at the drop of a hat without ever breaking a sweat or a story of a husband’s love of a certain joke he told over, and over, and over again—consistently takes over.

This ritual is especially helpful for children; they love to hear others’ stories and offer their own memories. Through participation, children can gain deeper understanding of a particular passing, which can foster a more natural relationship to death. Since young ones aren’t necessarily able to write or articulate their feelings on paper, talking together with family can be especially important.

These story sessions hold a remarkable array of feelings. Not all who die are beloved by an entire family, and this may be especially difficult to come to terms with in the face of death’s finality. Sometimes, hearing another person’s experience or impression of the deceased can help one articulate difficult feelings or move to a sense of understanding or forgiveness. Acknowledgment of death is challenging even when death is expected. However, when death is unexpected, the shock can often be overwhelming. The chance to sit with others and share stories in a confidential setting can begin the process of comprehending this new reality of loss.

During family time together, a particular aspect of the deceased emerges which can be incorporated into a personal end-of-life service. By creating a simple ceremony that naturally emerges and reflects the essence of the one who died and is meaningful to those remaining, the life of the loved one can be honored and celebrated, rather than simply mourned. Often, attendees who weren’t part of the story sessions will come forth to express their thoughts and feelings about the deceased, and some will read personal writing or a poem. Or, the celebrant may be chosen to write and deliver the story sharing session. Family members appreciate hearing the memories they shared reflected back to them and to all, and this helps to acknowledge the significance of their loss.

When an end-of-life service achieves its true potential, the attendees come away knowing the one who died a little better than when they arrived.

Katie Birchenough is a certified funeral celebrant living near Asheville, NC. She is the founder of Reflective Tributes and can be reached at www.ReflectiveTributes.com.

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